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I already started writing this post and just deleted it all to start over. I went back and read my older posts. I think I had to remind myself of where my story started and what the goal of these blogs are for. They are for sharing what the Lord is doing in my life. And I am realizing what forgetful creatures we humans are. And now I know why the Lord says meditate on his word day and night. Because we will forget it if it isn’t used enough. I have been a bit forgetful here and there about what an amazing blessing and answer to pray it is to be here in Korea, studying the language and seeing the Lord work.

A quick update on the simple things:

• First week here was amazing. Met a new friend who became both Abby’s and my friend.
• Got into level 3 Korean class and took my midterms a few weeks ago and passed with 80ish percent!
• My home is a room with a shared kitchen and couple of bathrooms and I have made it as cozy as I can and it will hopefully be more cozy soon!
• I have become friends with my classmates and my one American roomie who is so sweet! 
• I have found a great church called Saving Grace in Seoul and it has pushed and blessed me in ways I would not have thought before.
• I officially have a Korean phone number and can easily order delivery now! So that is exciting!
• The Lord has blessed me with so many connections to families here in Korea through friends and that has really allowed me to not feel so alone.
• I made a friend from Germany who was visiting for just 3 weeks and it ended up being some of the most fun 3 weeks of conversations and adventures.

Okay those are some of the updates as to what has happened in the last month and a half.

Now it took me so many times to write this and I could never figure out a topic but I finally wrote this on the bus on the way home from church a week and a half after I started trying to write this blog. Saving Grace, the church that I am attending, has been stirring my soul and I hope what the Lord pressed into my heart stirs up something in yours.

The absolute brokenness I experienced at church today…. we had a cry out prayer time and it was honestly so far out of my comfort zone… listening to all the people cry out Jesus’ name, their prays and singing can be really distracting to me and I have such a hard time focusing on what I want to say to the Lord. But today during the cry out prayer there was a lady behind me, and she was screaming Jesus’ name as if it was all she had left in her. And I started weeping. I started balling because it sounded like when I would scream to God in the car when I was at my lowest point. When the hurt felt like I was going to drown in it and it was beautiful. I feel like I don’t know how to do that anymore. The love for Christ is overwhelming. I have never been to a church like this where screaming and cry and praying so loudly is like another language for them. I have never had an experience like this where I weep at other’s cries.

Our Pastor started talking and he talked about Jesus being up on the cross, naked and humiliated, bleeding for us and I wept even more. Because something I thought of was this idea that as Jesus was up on that cross bleeding for all of humanity, he was joyful and calling us to him. And then I realized something worse… that I am afraid to be humiliated for him. That I am afraid to talk to my friends about him even though a relationship with Jesus, with the God of the Universe, is something I say I would never trade for anything in the world. I don’t talk about Jesus like I talk to my friends about my favorite memories or my close family members. Why don’t I do that? Why don’t I bring him my conversations more? Honestly, I saw today this pride and embarrassment that was buried and masked itself as a well put together Christian. I wanna keep telling people about all the good the Lord is doing and what he has brought me through to all the people who already know him where it’s comfortable . That’s so easy! I have this confidence or pride that I am a spiritually mature human and that I am a “good and kind person” and while that may be true in some aspect as I do love to love people and I truly desire to honor the Lord with every breath… I’m holding back… I can see that. There is a comfortability I have been living in and though I feel that I have grown a lot in the past few months I see my lacking areas and what I need to start giving back to the Lord.

That I actually need to be needy with the Lord… to not be complacent in my walk with him and to actively pursue him! I mean if he is the King of Glory and our Abba Father – then he can handle the fact that his children need him. But I wrestle with this pride, and it masks itself as this poor little creature who doesn’t want to inconvenience the King. Who doesn’t want to go all in because we are worried that we will make the mistake and not be able to measure up. That we will embarrass ourself or be uncomfortable. But that is the funny thing about pride when it pretends to be this false humility, it is never about God.

And the King looks at me from his throne and says
“Do I need your deeds, actions and abilities? I made you and called you into my throne room with joy! I have already seen your cracks and brokenness. You have already shown me how you are lacking and, yet, I call you because I love you and I am good and faithful to you regardless of your competence.”
Please understand that this is a scene in my mind. Seeing a great King call out to a child who is more prideful than they seem and trying to be in control of their own image rather than running with such excitement into that throne room to accept the invitation of the King of Glory. This is what I need to be reminded of now. There is a God who wants to have a relationship with me and calls me into obedience and follow him with all my heart. But that means that regardless of my own desires or pride or fears – I must go in the throne room with no hesitation.

My second thought is this:

This year I have been thinking alot about the future and consistency. I am starting to think more about being married, having kids, mentoring and pouring into others. There is no time to waste. We aren’t here forever! We cannot just take the easy road. There are things to prepare and get ready, for my future family I want to be strong, healthy and soaked the word of the Lord. I want to walk so closely with the Lord that when it is time to mentor and pour out to others that all that is left to give of me is Him.

What legacy am I going to leave? And what will I do with the Lord here in Korea? I don’t have those answers… and honestly I don’t know where these thoughts will go or what the Lord will grow out of them… but I have seen my perspective change in the last few weeks as I have honestly been looking at my life and seeing time go by. I have no other plans than being in Korea at the moment. I don’t know what my life will look like after May and I certainly don’t know how the Lord will grow me but I feel a shift in the fire that is in side of me.

Yeelin used to say that she missed Jesus… And I used to think that was strange… “I don’t want to die yet” used to be my thought but as I have gotten closer… I’m starting to understand what she meant. To be close to the God who loves me more than anyone else.
I want to be someone my dad would be proud of too. That when I get to see my dad in heaven I will look at him and tell him ” I went all in Dad… I gave it all and I did the hard things and I did my best.” That we will get to worship the King, our Lord and Savior together. My desire to go back into that place of brokenness and neediness so that I am constantly relying on the Lord. So that when I have no where to turn, when I hit a bump in the road, the first thought is more of a prayer to the Lord. That this will create a consistent dialogue with the Lord, that I can continue to strengthen my reliance on him. Because we do not have forever and there is not promised a tomorrow to get right with the Lord. At the end of the day, how many books I illustrate or how fast I pay off my student loans or what brand name items I can afford will all mean nothing. The only thing that will matter is the relationship I have with my Lord and Savior and how I walked in obedience to his word.

I want to do that well. And I want to do well in other areas of my life. I want to take care of my body.
Consistently work out, eat well, drink water and take care of myself.
Take care and prepare my heart and soul by consistently spending time with the Lord. Pursuing him in all things. And praying for those around me. Memorizing the word! (In both Korean and English)
This year I desire a deeper change. I desire to see the next season that the Lord has brought me to, not be wasted because I got lazy or unfocused. I want to fully keep my eyes on the Lord and remember the glorious grace he has given us. And that he – being both God and Man – came and gave everything up to save us. And that is something that I do not wish to forget.

So though it is past New Years, I challenge you – what do you want your legacy to be? Are you truly all in for the Lord or can you go even deeper? Have you forget the how to cry out in desperation to the King?
We are made for so much more. Dive into the brokenness with the Lord. Find the beauty of pushing through the hard and see the Lord as he works in the details. Cry out his name from the depths of your soul and he will find you.

Love you all dearly.

The Lord bless you and keep you;
 the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
 the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.     Numbers 6:24-26