So before I get to my lovely internal thoughts, let me update you on my life. In the middle of July I sent my application to the Korean Language school. At the beginning of August I got my wisdom teeth out (all four and all impacted). On the same day, after the anesthesia wore off, I received an email that I was not accepted into the school for the fall term and was asked to reach back out at the end of the month to see if I would be accepted for the winter term.

To give some context on studying in Korea, it is much more difficult than here in the states. For one thing, you have to consider visas and all that good stuff. On top of all that, there are a lot of official documents (i.e. your legit diploma, an official bank statement that tells them you will not starve while you are studying in their country, and many more) and I am doing it myself and not going through a program. So that made it all the more difficult as I got a dose of reality in how this process is going to go.

I will be applying again for the winter term so I am simply waiting another 3 months. And as much as I may want to throw a pity party for myself, that is not the end of the world. I am also getting to look into other universities in Korea that I had not originally considered. All thanks to my amazing Korean teacher who helps me figure out where to go and gives me ideas for my next steps. So now we just wait and put in a little more hard work and see where the Lord is going to take us.

If you have stuck around to this fourth paragraph, I applaud you! I have a lot of words and I am glad you’re here for them. I am ready to share my honest heart of what I have been processing in the last few weeks. So here we go…

To be perfectly honest, I was devastated and felt like a complete and utter failure. “I should have sent it earlier” or “I didn’t check it properly” or “You were too lazy to get everything done on time,” were all the thoughts swirling through my head. Then it got a bit worse. I felt like I had gone against God and had somehow made up the idea that I should go to Korea and had slapped God’s name on it claiming it was His. Like the reverse cheating on an essay and turning it in for all to see. “And you went and told everyone you were leaving in the fall. You made a blog and talked a big talk and yet here you are not moving forward,” was what the critical perfectionist part of me kept saying. It was a lot like the stages of grief, because soon I was angry at the Lord. I felt like he wasn’t saying anything and was ignoring the fact that I felt lost and purposeless. My plan and what I thought my life was going to look like changed. And it hurt.

Something my P-don and Susu (those are their official names of Don and Susan Thayer given by me and are used daily) often say is “Look at it from 30,000 feet.” Not in the constant emotional state and don’t look at it sitting on the ground. Get the entire picture. So I had to give it to the Lord, step back and look at my life as a whole. Is going to Korea the entire goal of my life and is the plan the only thing that God will use in my life? Absolutely not. That is how IDOLS are made! In my entire life I have had some hellish moments (i.e. losing three major people in my life within 6 months while finishing senior year of college) and looking at this newly elongated season of mine in comparison I realized that it is more frustrating and disappointing than horrible and sad. I think we can all get a little more emotionally involved when it is our own situation and it is so easy to get to a place where we despair over the small things. So from 30,000 feet what can you see? That 3 more months may be the biggest blessing as I spend time with family and have more time to prepare. That 3 more months is not as big as my hellish senior year was. That 3 more months is definitely not as hard as I may have first felt about it. Finding the blessing in something that I originally felt crushed by ended up lifting the weight off my shoulders.

To sum all of this up, I needed to ask God how he wants me to explain it… We are humans and that means that we cannot live at 30,000 feet perspectives all the time. We are going to have the hard cries, the angry moments and broken places. But if after those moments, we take a breath and start pouring in truth and step back to see where we are truly at then I think we start to move towards the 30,000 feet perspective. It takes time and processing with the Lord and also with people who are able to look at our hard life situations with a godly perspective to get us to those high places. And so in this last week there have been a lot of rough moments and confused prayers. But I am closer to 30,000 feet because in all that wrestling and confusion with the Lord he reminded me that He does not play games and He is much higher than 30,000 feet. So have all your hard moments. And then go looking for the 30,000 feet and ask the Lord to bring you there.

Much love to you all. I hope this brings you encouragement through all of life’s messy moments. And thank you for coming on this adventure with me. Even when it is quite different from what I had first imagined. ❤